Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
