Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
