Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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