we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
