You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
