My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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