it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Your penis caused this!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
