If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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