A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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