you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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