i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
