Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
