also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
