woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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