His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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