Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
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Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
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He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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