so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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