I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
