So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
