He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my being single is dangerous.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
