my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
