I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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