True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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