I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
