The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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