he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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