I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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