two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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