You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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