I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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