The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
