So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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