I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
