Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.