You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You left your underwear on the fireplace
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
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