i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
