How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma