I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
