I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
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Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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