My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Boobs are out for the taking
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
