i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
