I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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