guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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