gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
