he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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