i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
