I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
