dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
