sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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