A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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