I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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