i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
not ubering you a puppy
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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