I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
