My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize