she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
