Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
