woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We are all done wearing pants today
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Why is there bacon in the couch?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
