david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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